What’s going on inside? Each time I attempt to paint, or write, or speak, or dance, or take a walk, or cook, or clean, or teach, or mentor, or play, or do just about anything, I’m discovering what’s going on inside of me. And, I am thinking this is what is going on with you, also.
I have been obsessed with what is going on beyond the obvious external world. We come into our body existence with great wonder and over the years we find this wonder minimized. Our interests becomes dulled by the constant, repetitive tales of crime, unrest and the insistence on broadcasting every harmful and fearful thing that happens in our town, state, and world. Perhaps that is how we can know our unknown collective selves. Perhaps this reflection indicates we are spirits in process.
Our conversations are usually not considered interesting unless we speak about one another’s downfalls and challenges. Our reality show contestants are more apt to win if they can tell a story of misfortune. And when we meet socially we can’t help fall into conversations that outline previous troubles. Did you hear, Mary Lou is sick? Did you see where what’s his name died? Did you know my insurance was canceled? Our conversations usually describe our weekly misfortunes or those of our family and friends. As adults, we seldom can find delight in talking about what is going on beyond the obvious, what is going on inside of us. I had the greatest realization last week… Who wants to hear about that? That kind of talk is crazy!
But when we create, whether it be painting, cooking, cleaning, dancing, restructuring, we are in contact with our inner self and it always is satisfying to me. That is where I am comfortable.
Somewhere around 2005, I decided to purchase some acrylic paints, brushes, canvases and an easel. I pretended to be a great artist and in that mood, I studied the white canvas until something started to emerge. It didn’t matter to me whether the lines were straight, crooked, accurately reflecting this world or not. I was not interested in reproducing the world we are all too familiar with. I was interested in discovering what was going on inside, in the world we know little to nothing about. And for a year, I rose at 3 a.m. without an alarm clock, and painted before going to work. I accumulated over 100 paintings. All of them created an experience for me to explore the unknown world of bliss.
In other years I would also rise early just as I have this morning and write. I have written books about losing loved ones or losing loved situations. I have written typing books and books that helped me through a bout with TMJ. When I read these books back, sometimes I do not recognize the author. The me within is so much stronger that the me without. Even now I am comforted by the courage I have to express in order to explore. I will write more about this quest in posts to come.
For now, this is a round-about way to say that I have lots to share if you are interested. Perhaps you are like me and would like to share your expressions with me here on these pages. You are most welcome to join in. This is a place that is free from judgement.
Here are some links to expressions in my quest:
Rascality – a store for products that can be personalized