Tag Archives: leadership

3 Insights: Why People Discredit Other People

It did not start with the current, constant social media bantering. Discrediting other people has existed in our culture for as long as I have lived. Here are three insights as to why.

LOGIC REQUIRES CATEGORIZATION

From our earliest years we have played games where we sort out what’s different, what’s the same, what belongs, what does not belong, find the things that match. These were (and continue to be) little puzzle books, pre-readers, and children’s magazines. It was and is thought to be the foundational activity for preparing youngsters to read.

But have we thought about the behavioral impact these activities instill into our little child’s psyche? What is on the paper, can also be played in real life. Have you ever heard kids play question games, like who’s your favorite teacher so far? Who do you like best, your brother or me? Who runs the fastest, Tommy or Susie? Who do you like in our classroom? Who do you think is smart? Who do you think is stupid? …and so it begins.

It is obvious why categories play an intrinsic part in the structure and order to our lives: to sort, pick and choose, move forward with new entries into categories. If we are not conscious of the impact of our choices, however, we can stagnate into an imploding rather than expanding lifestyle.

Have you ever started a new job and given a tour of the office? As you are introduced to your future co-workers, are you somewhat surprised to be taken aside to hear negative tidbits about the person you are going to meet? It usually goes something like this, “Betty is our accountant, She is a real rule keeper, so be careful of her. She takes no prisoners!” (…And then a knowing laugh). Betty’s reputation begins before every meeting her in person. Or, “Now let’s meet Tom, he’s just broke up with his girlfriend. I think it was because she thought he was cheating on her.” Tom will be categorized by you with this information.

It just seems we have a tolerance for putting things, places and, yes, people in categories, even items to discredit another. Why would we do this? Well, this leads to my next observation..

WE CARRY AN URGE TO BE IN THE KNOW.

We like to feel important. In first grade, the teacher would say to the class, “Look how Barbara is sitting up straight with her hands folded on her desk. This is the perfect way to be attentive in our class.” I would feel so important … and smart. It only took sitting up straight and putting my hands together to get her attention. School is going to be easy! My second grade teacher seemed to be on the same track, because from time to time she liked to point out the fact that I was a great student who knew how to sit up straight. But by the third grade, I was totally ignored and the students who knew answers were pointed out as the perfect ones! I lost the spotlight, but I did not lose my graving for the spotlight!

I changed my direction because I liked being the center of praise. I liked being in the know. And, sometimes being in the know is demonstrated by talking about other people. We talk about people like we are the ones who have a special inside track. We feel more importance when we can talk about people. As we speak, though, we begin to notice speaking in with negative connotations receives a bigger audience.

NEGATIVE TALK GETS THE MOST ATTENTION

There used to be a thing called newspapers. (…they still quietly thrive but you might not be aware of them.) And, within our San Francisco Chronicle or Berkeley Gazette, (or both) was found Ann Landers. She answered and offered solutions for her readers. In high school I wrote to her and asked why news articles were always focused on death, murder, robberies, all bad things that happened to people If we teens weren’t allowed to see them in movies, why did we have news stories on television. I asked her to please write about this and offer suggestions for writing more uplifting and inspiring news that I was sure was being actuated on the same day as current news horror stories. She sent a letter back to me. It was so many years ago, but I remember being delighted to receive a letter from Ann Landers. In a nutshell, I interpreted the letter as an explanation: unfortunately people like to read about what surprises them.

So, negative talk is what gets our attention, isn’t it. I may be thought of as a more powerful person if I can talk definitively in negative terms. I really know this person and I can protect you from them. I am the patriarch! I am the matriarch!

It may be the old stand on the heads of others to get ahead syndrome. Yet, when I tell you that this person is an idiot, or psychopath, or lazy, or ugly, or a number of other senseless things, I project my disavowed traits and actually am talking about myself.

It will take some time to change the culture of discrediting people, if in fact, we even wish to change. It’s something to consider. The only real power we have is to locate and accept ourselves. …all that is within. It may be time for a change..

I am reminded of early writings by Gary Zukav:

Authentic power requires that we choose:

* Harmony over Discord

* Cooperation over Competition

* Sharing over Hoarding

* Reverence for life over Exploitation

Addendum: There is lots to say about this topic. I’ll save my thoughts for another day, but I’d love to hear what you think. Smile whenever you think of it!

Commitment to Write: Day 23 February 2019

Quotes from Barbara Dean Aliaga

LEADERSHIP – Barbara Dean Aliaga

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be happy all the time? This is something we all want. And, we can be happy whenever we want to remember this: we have committed to a happier lifestyle. Loosen up with a smile! Smile as often as you can remember to.

GETTING TO HAPPY: Learning to Read Emotional Messages, Barbara Dean Aliaga
Job Satisfaction – Barbara Dean Aliaga

Be Real. Dare to share yourself, not an imitation of yourself, or someone you think everyone wants to see. Be yourself. It will make a difference to your customers, your co-workers and yourself!. Bravely be you!

Twenty-five Year Work Anniversary, Barbara Dean Aliaga
Understanding – Barbara Dean Aliaga

Happiness cannot coexist with negative concerns.  With negative attitudes we block happiness. With negative thoughts we tend to participate in unhappy situations creating road blocks to well-being. We react by feeling sorry for ourselves!

GETTING TO HAPPY: Learning to Read Emotional Messages, Barbara Dean Aliaga
Imitation –Barbara Dean Aliaga

By the way, happiness does not run away from us; we move away from it! Happiness lives within us at all times. Happiness is the fabric of who we are. It can’t go anywhere, but we can close off the source.

GETTING TO HAPPY: Learning to Read Emotional Messages, Barbara Dean Aliaga
Acceptance — Barbara Dean Aliaga

I can find myself a long way from happiness. This can occur when I am comparing myself to family, friends and coworkers. It is possible to reign these thoughts in. When I do, I can immediately enter the world of satisfaction and peace. Let go of fears and concerns, and enter the world of quiet, cooperation and love.

GETTING TO HAPPY: Learning to Read Emotional Messages, Barbara Dean Aliaga

 

What Feels Good – Barbara Dean Aliaga

 My world situation will always be what I allow my heart to inspire. 

GETTING TO HAPPY: Learning to Read Emotional Messages, Barbara Dean Aliaga
Emotions – Barbara Dean Aliaga

Accepting life as it reflects our words of thought is how we can live in the present moment. The present moment is our opportunity for happiness. 

GETTING TO HAPPY: Learning to Read Emotional Messages, Barbara Dean Aliaga

 

Words can be inclusive or exclusive to your family, coworkers, friends and neighbors. Words can stop your ability to communicate. Practice words supporting your goals!

GETTING TO HAPPY: Learning to Read Emotional Messages, Barbara Dean Aliaga

A personal word

Hello everyone. Thank you. Thank you! As I search for quotes today, I realize I love to write about happiness and well being. the writing keeps me on the course. You are my inspiration for writing..

I am in day 23 of this writing commitment. It isn’t that I did not write daily before now. Sharing creates this new, wonderful habit. After almost a year in retirement, I realize what I miss most is the sharing of ideas with a gifted working team.  I enjoyed bringing words of inspiration to those on the front line of service.  It was the best part of my job!  Now I use the  internet as a powerful tool for the purpose of personal growth. Thank you for being part of this transition!

Practice improves everything.

“None of us is as smart as all of us.”


― Kenneth H. Blanchard

Commitment To Write: Day 6 February 2019

When you are a teacher of happy, many times it is a challenge to let go of negative and worrisome thoughts like judging leaders of our country, church, schools, etc., to be inept and promoting fear. So, let’s talk about:

Dependency on Leadership

I grew up in the fifties. You know, the Father Knows Best era. The etiquette I learned from my mother was not understood but tolerated.

“Here Dad, have the last cookie!”

I was created to be happy and serve. …and … follow the leader!

“He who follows me gets big treat!” my father called outside my bedroom door when he scheduled polio shots for his kids. And, he knew how to treat us with a milkshake at Dryers on College Avenue. I was the first one in the car and ready to take the shot knowing the treat in store for me!

Leaders like my father made me feel safe. There was a bubble surrounding me of security and what I interpreted to be confidence in our way is the best way. This lasted throughout my childhood. I was taught by example how to transfer trust in leaders to priests, teachers, policemen, milkman, even our friend’s fathers. It was a Leave It To Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet, type of life.

Experience is a great teacher, and I was an apt learner. As an adult, I eventually realized not all leaders were able to perform as charitably as my Dad. There were leaders who fumbled, led us off the happiness road, and even ignored their duties. Trusting in leaders over my own good judgment often left me disappointed and bitter.

What is your experience? Do the leaders in your life inspire you? Are you lead to a higher form of living? Is you leader inclusive or fearful, often reminding you of the reason you need to be fearful? Do you merely tolerate their actions? Do you grumble about a leader’s directive? Do you lack the power? Perhaps you can be the leader of yourself. That may be a good place to start!

In my lifetime, I have found the statement, To your own self be true, to be my signature. I need to cooperate with my inspiration. I have taught myself stay put until I feel good. If I don’t feel quite right about an action, I don’t do it.

I check back often to see if the country’s news is going to make me feel inspired. It is just the opposite. Until it is authentic and consistent inspiration, I cannot follow. I cannot see exclusion, but I can experience what it feels like. I love inclusion and I love the experience of its feelings. We could move as a people towards inclusion and away from differences and fear.

Fear taps at my door every day. I say, Hello fear. But when I answer the door, it evaporates and is not there at all. The news I read as a child and the news I can read on my iPhone now continues to insist, fear is knocking at your door. Open the door and it won’t be there.

I write and meditate and clean up my stuff. I play games, love my family and friends, rest and grow in inclusion. I welcome a life of respect, generosity, kindness, cooperation, harmony., laughter, creativity, love. I know it begins with me. I am my leader.

Life is sure an adventure of learning. Best to you this day!

Your Audio Book, “Getting To Happy: Learning To Read Emotional Messages,” is waiting for you. Available for Sale on Audible, Amazon and iTunes